The story behind "Canvas"

Ok... so this is going to be quite brutal. I'm not the kind of person to share too much of my life, mostly because I find it uncomfortable to visit those old, negative feelings. But then again, I have chosen a profession that kinda demands honesty. So this is my story.

6 years ago I met the father of my beautiful son. And obviously, all relationships have their ups and downs. But sometimes two people meet, and they just bring out the worst in each other. I'm not saying it was all bad, but when your home starts feeling more like a prison than a safe place, there's something wrong. I don't think the fighting and the screaming was the worst. The worst part was the jealousy and the constant gaslighting, like my thoughts and feelings had absolutely no value whatsoever. His delusional thoughts made me question everything I did. When you're constantly struggling to keep your head over water, and your spouse is the one dragging you down, it kinda does something to your idea of what love is. You start thinking you're the problem, because that is what he makes you believe. He scared me a lot. And I was afraid of him killing himself if I left him, because he told me several times that's what he would do. He told me I wouldn't find anyone who loved me like him. And actually, I didn't believe that, 'cuz deep down inside I knew that what we had wasn't love, but more like a struggle for power. An endless loop of disaster. But still I stayed. 

I lost a lot along the way. I've lost good friends who tried to tell me I couldn't live like that, and I was so manipulated and scared that I didn't want to listen. I've lost many parts of myself I'm still working on regaining. And I've lost a lot of time. But then again, I've gained a lot as well. I'm now much wiser than before. I know what I want in a relationship and how I'll let people treat me. I've learned to be more patient with myself and accept that I have traumas that I need to work on. And I pride myself in how strong I am. I have not had it easy, trying to figure out how to handle life and everything it throws at me. It's not easy being a young mom with big dreams and a low feeling of self-worth. But I've made it here. And I think, if I hadn't had the life-experience that I do, I wouldn't be here today. But during these six years, I din't know my worth. And that's partially the reason why I stuck with him for so long. Also, being a child of divorce, I didn't want my son to go through the same as me, 

I kept my mouth shut for so long. I just kept forgiving him and pushing myself down. But writing music gave me a platform to open up to other people. And that's when I realized I couldn't live like this anymore. It wasn't fair to any of us, and especially not our son. I started thinking- if I'm not happy, I can't function as a good mother, and my son absolutely deserves the best life possible. He should not be paying for our mistakes. And so I made the biggest and smartest decision I've ever taken. I left. And I have never felt more at peace. Everything turned. I met the love of my life, I suddenly had more to live for and more to write about. 

So when we released "Canvas" it was a major break for me. To see how this song could mark a turning point in my life, and people liking it at the same time. Wow, it was just mind-blowing. I told myself "I've made it, I survived". And I am just so very grateful for the people that didn't give up on me, and have worked their ASSES off to make this song and my project what it is today. Thank you!! 

So please, if you find yourself in the same situation I was. Just know that there's nothing wrong with you and you can get help. Not talking about it is NOT better than opening up. You'll see <3 

Lyrics

[Verse 1]
Listen up
You're a stain on my dress
Your fucked up mindgames makin me less
Of a woman and more of a mess
I'm a headless queen in your game of chess
Listen up
Van Gogh, never mind
You say you're all ears, better listen this time
Make me pop
Draw me just how you like
You go straighten me up, until I fall in line
[Pre-Chorus]
I gave all I got but what I got wasn't enough
Why you gotta act so tough?
Sick and tired of your madness
You ain't touchin' this canvas
[Chorus]
Nuh, I'm a madonna
A fucking mona lisa
Yuh, I'm a masterpiece
And I'll always be a piece a piece of
Work with it, if you really love me
You really would have let me
Just be madonna
A fucking mona lisa
Yuh, I'm a masterpiece
And I'll always be a piece a piece of
Work with it, if you really love me
You really should have let me
Just be me
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[Verse 2]
Listen up
Ur straining my chest
I'm trying to speak, but u won't let me rest
For a second, before you correct
All my quirks and flaws, every tiny defect
Listen up, readin' between the lines
Cuz Im sick of yo games n
Cubistic designs
And your box - I won't fit in that shhhh***
You done a good job, tryin'a ruin a hit
Rare greia
I'm fine china, better treat me like if

[Chorus]
I'm a madonna
A fucking mona lisa
Yuh, I'm a masterpiece
And I'll always be a piece a piece of
Work with it, if you really love me
You really would have let me
Just be madonna
A fucking mona lisa
Yuh, I'm a masterpiece
And I'll always be a piece a piece of
Work with it, if you really love me
You really should have let me
Just be me

[Bridge]
If you say I'm a bitch cuz I speak my mind
You can keep it zipped for a long long time
If you say I'm a bitch cuz I speak my mind
You can keep it zipped for a long long time
Blur out all my features til' there is no me
Least you'll get a break from always watchin' me
As if you'll go down in history
As the dickwad bloke who created

 the fucking madonna
The fucking mona lisa
Yuh, I'm a masterpiece
And I'll always be a piece a piece of
Work with it, if you really love me
You really should have let me
The fucking madonna
The fucking mona lisa
Yuh, I'm a masterpiece
And I'll always be a piece a piece of
Work with it, if you really love me
You really should have let me
Just be me